NSFW: The Chronicles of a (Free?) Girl, Chapter 8

It's no big deal.

“That quote about the bushes, you know the one. That’s this.”

My boyfriend and I have been binge-watching Survivor. At first I was like no, no way can

I watch that show because I don’t want to see people kill bunnies in the woods. But it’s

surprisingly not like that. They do kill chickens though, which I don’t love—this is

hypocritical as I am a chicken consumer.

Every time someone debates using an idol or making a big move when the stars align, I

think back to this quote I misuse from our friend Justin: “A bird in the hand is worth two

in the bush.” Whenever this quote is applicable, I’ll say, “Yeah, the bush thing that Justin

said!”

I saw Justin on Sunday at Paragon Sports and told him I’d been using his quote

recreationally.

“The bush thing, Justin, you know?” I said to him.

“What bush thing?”

“You know the one, with the birds.”

“A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

He told us the story of when he first heard that quote. About two years ago, he was

given the opportunity to accept a $5,000 bonus now or a $20,000 pay increase in 5

years. At odds with what choice to make, his boss said the bush thing, and he took the

$5,000. I admitted that if I had been in that situation, I would have contemplated for days on what to do and probably would have made the wrong decision and gotten nothing.

Following a hero’s journey

This has been the hardest year of my life since 2020. Everything that could go wrong

did, with a little extra sprinkling of Muhahahaha! Still, I’m constantly dusting

myself off to be pushed down again. I’m exhausted. I just want an easy, breezy 6

months of paradise.

But then I wonder: was being pushed to my limits the most alive I’ve felt? During

unemployment, I was working towards something bigger than me; I didn’t know what

that was, but that’s what I told myself to give my life a sense of purpose. This idea of

dismantling a dragon popped up during runs; haters could throw their stones and shoot

their arrows, but I’d keep rising in fiery fury, fighting back in armor made of steely scales.

I was pissed off, and I still am. And now that things are calming down, I’m restless

again. I imagine that’s how Survivor contestants feel when they return to reality. After all

that fighting and starving, what do I do now? What was all that suffering for?

A dragon becomes a bird

I think I’ve already said this, but I’m writing a novel. And the thing with me and character

work is I get moody; their emotions and actions affect me too much, causing me to

avoid writing completely. This specific novel is worse because it’s heavily inspired by my

childhood and is something I’ve deemed My Life’s Work.

But I have to stop with that nonsense. “My Life’s Work” is too heavy. The bar has been

set too high, which is precisely why I started this blog: I wanted to fuck around and not

think so much about how I’m saying things, subsequently over-editing myself to oblivion. I purposely edit these posts lightly, both stylistically and emotionally, as a form of exposure therapy.

Anyway, the bush quote is a proverb about being content with what you have, rather than losing everything by seeking more. When I go too far, I lose myself. I’ve seen it in my acting performances, my paintings, and my writing. Suddenly, the bar is too high, and I can no longer enjoy what I’m doing. I’m too startled, too scared, to fly.

Charli XCX recently talked about how she made BRAT as a fan album—for so long, she

tried appealing to the critics to no avail. In doing so, she lost authenticity. Charli thrived

once she fully embraced her style. “For the first time in music, niche is in,” she said.

My first novel likely won’t be great, but I’ll learn a lot. And that doesn’t mean I’m a

failure. Doing is better than regretting.

Fuck the critics, you guys. It's not that serious. Just look at Francis Ford Coppola.